so the holidays are over. It didn't turn out as I had planned but it never does, I guess that's just like life, never turns out how we think it will. my dad stayed with me over Christmas eve but it almost didn't get to that point. I called him on the 23rd and he was complaining about his bad back and how he is a "cripple" and is tired. He wanted me to come up to him( I live a hour away). He eventually calmed down and I said I would take him back anytime he wanted to go back. We planned to go out to eat with his sisters on Christmas eve and to my uncles on christmas, I didn't think we would make it to the Christmas day part and I was right. I picked him up around 3 p.m., he was asleep in his bed. I woke him up and we left. He had his bag in hand. He didn't say much on the car ride to the restaurant, he just looked out the window. As I predicted the restaurant was pretty over stimulating for him, he was upset about the long drive. "why can't I be closer?", he said, I told him we are trying and there isn't much we could do, the process just takes time. Some days my dad likes where he is at and some days he doesn't, this was one of those days that he didn't like it. I bought him "real cigarettes" for Christmas usually I just roll them so we can save money. I went outside with him as he smoked, "you are the love of my life, Mike." I didn't know what to say back but my heart sank. He continued to complain about being far away but my mind was kind of drifting thinking about what that meant? I was mad, sad and heartbroken all in one. People with serious mental illness usually don't hold back and my dad never did with me. I kind of wish he would...sometimes.
We had dinner and it was weird since I never went out to eat on Christmas before, my mom always had dinner at our house. My dad made a toast to my mom, something like."my wife is looking down on us today" something like that, I was kind of in a daze. We finished dinner, opened presents and went back to my place. He liked my apartment. We were watching Miracle on 34th Street( ironic watching it with a mentally ill person). He fell asleep on the couch for a few hours. Woke back up about 12 am had a smoke and some coffee and went back to bed, in my bed which I gladly gave him.
The next events will be burned into my head for the rest of my life. We walked upstairs and I showed him my room. He laid down in my bed with all of his clothes on, shoes on and above the covers. I said, "dad don't you want to change?". He said, "no I'm fine." I said, "at least take your shoes off." He did. As I was leaving, he said "Mike can you leave the light on in the hallway and leave the door open." I did and was heartbroken again. He was scared, alone and broken. I felt an unsettling wave of sadness the rest of the night. I was the father and he was the son. I was my mom but she was gone, everything was wrong, it wasn't Christmas. I was so sad a disease had made my dad sleep in his clothes, in my bed with the hall light on. I cried... I grieved for my mom, my dad and me, everything that we had lost all seemed to take hold of me in a matter of hours as I stayed awake during the night.
I felt I needed to double my efforts in that second to make the conditions for the mentally ill better, everything needs to be better, that's what I kept thinking.Seeing him hobble around my apartment, I was saddened because I felt like he wouldn't be around for much longer, he's gone through so much and maybe this is the ending. I don't know but that's what I felt. He slept for a few hours to about 3am, got up had coffee and his smokes(outside). I was pretending to be sleeping on the couch and he keep saying to go up in my room and sleep, so noble. He wanted to take the couch, so noble. He gives his smokes, coffee and snacks away where he lives..hes a good man and this is such an unfair fate to be trapped in a body that gave out on you years ago. To watch your wife die and be away from your son and daughter for that matter.
We had dinner and it was weird since I never went out to eat on Christmas before, my mom always had dinner at our house. My dad made a toast to my mom, something like."my wife is looking down on us today" something like that, I was kind of in a daze. We finished dinner, opened presents and went back to my place. He liked my apartment. We were watching Miracle on 34th Street( ironic watching it with a mentally ill person). He fell asleep on the couch for a few hours. Woke back up about 12 am had a smoke and some coffee and went back to bed, in my bed which I gladly gave him.
The next events will be burned into my head for the rest of my life. We walked upstairs and I showed him my room. He laid down in my bed with all of his clothes on, shoes on and above the covers. I said, "dad don't you want to change?". He said, "no I'm fine." I said, "at least take your shoes off." He did. As I was leaving, he said "Mike can you leave the light on in the hallway and leave the door open." I did and was heartbroken again. He was scared, alone and broken. I felt an unsettling wave of sadness the rest of the night. I was the father and he was the son. I was my mom but she was gone, everything was wrong, it wasn't Christmas. I was so sad a disease had made my dad sleep in his clothes, in my bed with the hall light on. I cried... I grieved for my mom, my dad and me, everything that we had lost all seemed to take hold of me in a matter of hours as I stayed awake during the night.
I felt I needed to double my efforts in that second to make the conditions for the mentally ill better, everything needs to be better, that's what I kept thinking.Seeing him hobble around my apartment, I was saddened because I felt like he wouldn't be around for much longer, he's gone through so much and maybe this is the ending. I don't know but that's what I felt. He slept for a few hours to about 3am, got up had coffee and his smokes(outside). I was pretending to be sleeping on the couch and he keep saying to go up in my room and sleep, so noble. He wanted to take the couch, so noble. He gives his smokes, coffee and snacks away where he lives..hes a good man and this is such an unfair fate to be trapped in a body that gave out on you years ago. To watch your wife die and be away from your son and daughter for that matter.
I made him cereal and about 5am he wanted to go home, so I took him back. When I dropped him off I said goodbye and I love you, he cried. It felt like another goodbye. I have said a lot of those over the last year. Everything came rushing back over those two days, my mom's death, my dad's illness and the great hole that's in my life that hasn't been filled since all of this. People keep telling me I hope you can find peace but I haven't yet, maybe more time will help, but I feel like I'm at war. As we have seen in the news recently people are dying because of mental illness, my mom died young and what about my dad? I think they can both be listed in the body count. I think the system is broken, I think we can change that, I think if we have it on our power to make things better, we have the duty to do so. At the same time I know you can only fight so hard and so long before you burn out and get tired. I had this dream a few days before Christmas that my dad was healthy, maybe my hope is just that.. a dream.
So that was my Christmas....haha... Merry Christmas everyone..
Mike McCarthy
Just want to send you a big hug!
ReplyDeleteI understand your feeling of being at war. There's so much that needs to be done to improve the lives of our families and I know how it feels wanting to change the status quo and knowing, at the same time, that this is such a long process.
I wish more achievements for us, Daughters and Sons, for 2013!
Thank you for sharing!