Sunday, April 14, 2013

Never really one of them…..

I never really felt like I was in sync with the rest of the world. I always felt a bit out of step, a little over here and never really with the flow of other people. Even my own family seemed very far away from me. I never really seemed “one” of them. For the longest time in my life I always wanted to be “one” of them. I thought if I could fit in something would happen, I don’t know I thought I would be happier or something. I listened to advice of others and I never really got it. Since my mom has died a lot of people have given my advice and honestly most of it I found to not be that useful. Maybe I’m just being stubborn or sensitive which I admit I am from time to time. I have also realized that a lot of people say one thing and do another. It’s not really important who these people are or what they said. What is important is that I’m a unique person with my own wants and goals in life. I don’t want what others have and I’m not really a fan of competing with others. I thank my mom for this since she never told me how to live (she did marry my dad, haha) She lived her own unique life doing the things that she thought was right. I also thank my dad too. Without him I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be different and to be not accepted. This may sound negative but I don’t mean it that way. It takes great strength to endure everything he has been through.
I’m a nomad. I embrace that now. I feel close to the sons and daughters, people I have never met. I try to share my story with as many people as possible because I know there are many children and adults that like me had no one to share their story with. At the root of it we are all humans with problems that need someone to talk too. We have the ability with our words and actions to change the world. If someone understands mental illness better because they know me, I will be glad about that.  I try to have a safe/ non-judgmental environment where others won’t be looked down upon. We all have our problems. George Carlin said, “When you are born you get a ticket to the freak show.” We are all freaks in some way or another. I don’t mean that in a mean spirited way. I mean we all have odd things about us; the mentally ill have sick brains. Is that really odd?  I think I’m fine with being a freak now.