Identity

When someone close to you dies you feel a numbness and shock that lasts for a period of time. Sudden death makes that shock last even longer. It’s unpredictable and the brain can’t make sense of it all. Add on other elements: the end of a family unit, uprooted from your home, loss of possessions. To me it feels like a loss of identity. It’s something that I have been thinking about for a long time. Things aren’t coming back the way I thought they would. It’s like my brain is in auto-pilot. I don’t really feel sad or anxious, I just feel numb. Maybe it’s just that I need more time. It’s only been 1.5 years and all the changes. It’s hard to feel that excitement about life, and pleasure and when I do feel excited it usually has to do something work related, a crisis of some sort. It seems my brain has been reprogrammed to respond to danger or the thrill that goes along with danger. That doesn’t really give me a good feeling since I don’t really like the idea of my life revolving around my work or mental health. I have a hard time separating work and my personal life. I’m on vacation now and I find it hard to relax, to just be, to have fun. Maybe this is all just grief or anxiety and maybe I’m forcing it too much. I feel like I need to always be in motion to help the “cause”. It’s what I think about a lot of the time I feel I need to do something for mental health or visit my dad. It’s hard to take a vacation from a parent and even harder to take a vacation from yourself. Have I become a workaholic? I think I need to find a better work/ play balance. Burn out happens in this field and that’s something I need to try and avoid. When your life revolves around one thing no matter how well meaning it can stop you from doing other things you enjoy. It’s not like I stopped doing things I enjoyed but…. they just feel different than before. I’m looking for that zest for life again. Time will tell…..as always

MM

Never really one of them…..

I never really felt like I was in sync with the rest of the world. I always felt a bit out of step, a little over here and never really with the flow of other people. Even my own family seemed very far away from me. I never really seemed “one” of them. For the longest time in my life I always wanted to be “one” of them. I thought if I could fit in something would happen, I don’t know I thought I would be happier or something. I listened to advice of others and I never really got it. Since my mom has died a lot of people have given my advice and honestly most of it I found to not be that useful. Maybe I’m just being stubborn or sensitive which I admit I am from time to time. I have also realized that a lot of people say one thing and do another. It’s not really important who these people are or what they said. What is important is that I’m a unique person with my own wants and goals in life. I don’t want what others have and I’m not really a fan of competing with others. I thank my mom for this since she never told me how to live (she did marry my dad, haha) She lived her own unique life doing the things that she thought was right. I also thank my dad too. Without him I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be different and to be not accepted. This may sound negative but I don’t mean it that way. It takes great strength to endure everything he has been through.

I’m a nomad. I embrace that now. I feel close to the sons and daughters, people I have never met. I try to share my story with as many people as possible because I know there are many children and adults that like me had no one to share their story with. At the root of it we are all humans with problems that need someone to talk too. We have the ability with our words and actions to change the world. If someone understands mental illness better because they know me, I will be glad about that.  I try to have a safe/ non-judgmental environment where others won’t be looked down upon. We all have our problems. George Carlin said, “When you are born you get a ticket to the freak show.” We are all freaks in some way or another. I don’t mean that in a mean spirited way. I mean we all have odd things about us; the mentally ill have sick brains. Is that really odd?  I think I’m fine with being a freak now.

MM

Filled with Righteous Indignation

As I have posted about before I work in the mental health field. I recently had a situation that kind of ticked me off, ticked is putting it lightly. I like my current job but I work 4-12 and it's kind of tough. I miss out on a lot of activities, friends and other stuff I like to do like acting and watching hockey. So I have been looking for a more normal schedule, 9-5ish. So through some contacts I sent my resume and cover letter to large corporation that is in the city I live. I live in Pittsburgh ( pmuc) rearrange  those letters around and you will get it. So I sent my cover letter and resume in and heard back from these people. Well, not directly but through a contact. They said I had a few typos on my resume...alright and that they were turned off by my cover letter. My cover letter is very personal and talks about why I want to be in the mental health field, about my mom and dad and all that. Turned off?? What?? Over the last year or so I have been on about 15 interviews and mostly everyone said, wow this is what we are looking for, you have passion and glad you turned this into something.

Now why would people that work with the mentally ill be turned off my someone that lived with a mentally ill parent their entire life?? Seems weird doesn't it? Seems pretty stupid actually. Who would know better than someone that pretty much lived in a psych ward for over 20 years?? I thought we were on the same side here? Trying to help the mentally ill, make a difference? I didn't get in this field for fun. I got in this field because my family was destroyed because no one could be bothered to ask a question, hey how is your dad, what about you Mike? How are you? I got in this field to make a difference, to change things. Hopefully.

A few of my goals  after my mom died were to tell my story, hopefully to inspire others like my mom inspired me.I think I have done that. Dozens of people have told me their own personal struggles or their families struggles. I wanted to make it a safe environment for others to be truthful and maybe get help. Something that I never had or my parents had.The second thing I wanted to do is work with the mentally ill directly which I do. Lastly, was to give money and raise awareness to mental health and stigma that goes along with it, which I have.

How is anything ever going to get any better if people refuse to tell their stories and personal journey? What about gay activism and AIDS or cancer, did they stay silent? Let me ask another question? Why? Why is someone working in the field if they are turned off by someone that dealt with it everyday? Stigma in our own field? What is this? Now of course I didn't hear this directly so I could be wrong but maybe I'm not.

I'm tired of this, I'm tired of playing nice. Tired of pretending like everything is ok. When the system clearly doesn't do enough to help these people. I wasn't raised in a Norman Rockwell painting and I'm not pretending that I was and I don't think I should either.All humans have things that make us different. Some of us are born sick or get sick or have problems and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm being honest, isn't that what parents tell us, always be honest? Something is wrong with this picture and I don't like it.    

Mike