Monday, July 1, 2013

Identity

When someone close to you dies you feel a numbness and shock that lasts for a period of time. Sudden death makes that shock last even longer. It’s unpredictable and the brain can’t make sense of it all. Add on other elements: the end of a family unit, uprooted from your home, loss of possessions. To me it feels like a loss of identity. It’s something that I have been thinking about for a long time. Things aren’t coming back the way I thought they would. It’s like my brain is in auto-pilot. I don’t really feel sad or anxious, I just feel numb. Maybe it’s just that I need more time. It’s only been 1.5 years and all the changes. It’s hard to feel that excitement about life, and pleasure and when I do feel excited it usually has to do something work related, a crisis of some sort. It seems my brain has been reprogrammed to respond to danger or the thrill that goes along with danger. That doesn’t really give me a good feeling since I don’t really like the idea of my life revolving around my work or mental health. I have a hard time separating work and my personal life. I’m on vacation now and I find it hard to relax, to just be, to have fun. Maybe this is all just grief or anxiety and maybe I’m forcing it too much. I feel like I need to always be in motion to help the “cause”. It’s what I think about a lot of the time I feel I need to do something for mental health or visit my dad. It’s hard to take a vacation from a parent and even harder to take a vacation from yourself. Have I become a workaholic? I think I need to find a better work/ play balance. Burn out happens in this field and that’s something I need to try and avoid. When your life revolves around one thing no matter how well meaning it can stop you from doing other things you enjoy. It’s not like I stopped doing things I enjoyed but…. they just feel different than before. I’m looking for that zest for life again. Time will tell…..as always


MM

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