When someone close to you dies you feel a numbness and shock
that lasts for a period of time. Sudden death makes that shock last even
longer. It’s unpredictable and the brain can’t make sense of it all. Add on
other elements: the end of a family unit, uprooted from your home, loss of
possessions. To me it feels like a loss of identity. It’s something that I have
been thinking about for a long time. Things aren’t coming back the way I
thought they would. It’s like my brain is in auto-pilot. I don’t really feel
sad or anxious, I just feel numb. Maybe it’s just that I need more time. It’s
only been 1.5 years and all the changes. It’s hard to feel that excitement
about life, and pleasure and when I do feel excited it usually has to do
something work related, a crisis of some sort. It seems my brain has been
reprogrammed to respond to danger or the thrill that goes along with danger.
That doesn’t really give me a good feeling since I don’t really like the idea
of my life revolving around my work or mental health. I have a hard time
separating work and my personal life. I’m on vacation now and I find it hard to
relax, to just be, to have fun. Maybe this is all just grief or anxiety and
maybe I’m forcing it too much. I feel like I need to always be in motion to
help the “cause”. It’s what I think about a lot of the time I feel I need to do
something for mental health or visit my dad. It’s hard to take a vacation from
a parent and even harder to take a vacation from yourself. Have I become a
workaholic? I think I need to find a better work/ play balance. Burn out
happens in this field and that’s something I need to try and avoid. When your
life revolves around one thing no matter how well meaning it can stop you from
doing other things you enjoy. It’s not like I stopped doing things I enjoyed
but…. they just feel different than before. I’m looking for that zest for life
again. Time will tell…..as always
MM
