I never really felt like I was in sync with the rest of the
world. I always felt a bit out of step, a little over here and never really
with the flow of other people. Even my own family seemed very far away from me.
I never really seemed “one” of them. For the longest time in my life I always
wanted to be “one” of them. I thought if I could fit in something would happen,
I don’t know I thought I would be happier or something. I listened to advice of
others and I never really got it. Since my mom has died a lot of people have
given my advice and honestly most of it I found to not be that useful. Maybe I’m
just being stubborn or sensitive which I admit I am from time to time. I have
also realized that a lot of people say one thing and do another. It’s not
really important who these people are or what they said. What is important is
that I’m a unique person with my own wants and goals in life. I don’t want what
others have and I’m not really a fan of competing with others. I thank my mom
for this since she never told me how to live (she did marry my dad, haha) She
lived her own unique life doing the things that she thought was right. I also
thank my dad too. Without him I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be different and
to be not accepted. This may sound negative but I don’t mean it that way. It
takes great strength to endure everything he has been through.
I’m a nomad. I embrace that now. I feel close to the sons
and daughters, people I have never met. I try to share my story with as many
people as possible because I know there are many children and adults that like
me had no one to share their story with. At the root of it we are all humans
with problems that need someone to talk too. We have the ability with our words
and actions to change the world. If someone understands mental illness better because
they know me, I will be glad about that. I try to have a safe/ non-judgmental environment
where others won’t be looked down upon. We all have our problems. George Carlin
said, “When you are born you get a ticket to the freak show.” We are all freaks
in some way or another. I don’t mean that in a mean spirited way. I mean we all
have odd things about us; the mentally ill have sick brains. Is that really odd?
I think I’m fine with being a freak now.
MM
I was so excited to find this blog and read your post at the top of it. I, too, have always felt completely out of the loop, as if I've lived my life on the outside looking inward at some party that I wasn't invited to. Both of my parents have untreated mental illnesses, and I am an only child. I grew up completely isolated from any extended family and became severely depressed myself as a teen, thinking and being told by them that I was the problem and I was the one to blame. It's no wonder now, years later, that I feel so sad for the child I once was, lonely, self-loathing and angry at the world.
ReplyDeleteAnd it certainly doesn't make you or anyone who has had to live this way a freak. It's a horrible situation and unfortunate that children have to sacrifice their childhood and a huge part of themselves to something that they don't understand (or even know is wrong at the time).