Redeeming Qualities of Daughters and Sons

The experiences of daughters and sons who have a parent with mental illness are as diverse as the experiences of people with mental illnesses.  


Often I meet people who have a parent with similar or identical diagnoses as my mother, yet their parent's symptoms seem entirely different.  Our experience of our parent's illness could be different depending if we had other adults in our life that were able to help, siblings that were part of our web of support, etc.   Another factor is often our parent's personality and ability to manage providing parenting support while also managing the symptoms of their illness.  


My mother, for example, was generous, loving and kind, even when she was having terrible struggles with symptoms that included hearing voices, delusions, and losing weeks of sleep.  I worried about her, yet was never fearful of her.  We did live in suspended time when her symptoms would reemerge and as a child that impacted me greatly.  My mother was also afraid of her illness.  So I grieved for her and wanted to help her.


Most people in larger society believe that having a parent with a serious mental illness is simply all bad.  This is an extension of the stigma that sits over people with mental health diagnoses.  Society at large portrays people with mental illness as dangerous and our laws are designed with a focus on whether a person is dangerous to others or their own self.  Yet, if you have ever spent time around people who experience mental illnesses you will likely find that there is a subculture of humor, cutting-to-the-truth statements and expressions of compassion that can be resiliency-building for anyone who gets a chance to know people (a person) with a "serious mental illness."


A few years back I came to know a woman named Heather Burack while she was finishing her MSW at Hunter College in New York.  Heather was frustrated to see articles about having a parent with mental illness that were entirely negative, with titles such as "Troubled Journey" and "Hidden Victims."  As the daughter of a parent with a serious mental illness, she did not feel that these descriptions represented her experience.  She used her graduate coursework as an opportunity to do qualitative studies of adults who had a parent struggling with a mental illness.  It was through one of these studies that I met Heather and benefited from the results of her research.  


Heather identified the following five redeeming qualities of daughters and sons who have a parent with mental illness:

Creative orientation

Tolerance of difference

Willingness to challenge the status quo

Emotional expressiveness

A sense of humor

Thanks to Heather for identifying these strengths!  I will write more about challenges in other blogs, but I want to start by highlighting the strengths of daughters and sons who have a parent struggling with mental illness.  

National Alliance on Mental Illness - Montana (NAMI-MT) Conference

I returned last night from Billings, Montana where I did two presentations on topics related to parents with mental illness and their daughters and sons of all ages.  The organizers of NAMI-MT invited me to speak earlier this year and I am excited to report that the energy and reception of people at the conference was incredibly positive.  Many of the people attending the conference were personally touched by these topics as either parents with mental health struggles, grandparents raising grandchildren, or as daughter and sons themselves.

For the plenary speech I was asked to speak about my own experiences and my family's story.  Truthfully I find it much easier to speak about the major issues facing parents with mental illness and the common experiences of daughters and sons than to speak about my own story.  I'm sure that is natural, since it is hard to sort through and organize so many personal memories.  I also fear getting off track by adding too much detail or getting caught up in storytelling about a specific event.  However, when it was all said and done several of the audience members who have mental health struggles asked me for copies of my speech and people handed me personal notes of thanks with details about what parts of my speech touched them most.  It was wonderful to feel their support and to feel included in the community of people attending the conference.

Gary and Sandy, the organizers of the conference, did an incredible job.  They also included Mary Garrison from Illinois (Milikin University) to speak about her recently published article on what inhibits mental health providers from employing mental health consumers as providers.  I hope Mary is able to present in more environments because she really understands what is happening in practice when agencies begin to change their approach by including peer specialists and other "consumers as providers".

It was an incredible conference.  I've returned to New York City with a list of things to do.  High on the list is returning to a strategic planning document from June to help build an organization to sustain all of the Daughters and Sons efforts.

Greetings from Montana! - Unlisted Film

I arrived in Billings, Montana today at the invitation of NAMI - MT. (National Alliance on Mental Illness - Montana)  The organizers of this state conference have done a fantastic job putting together events!

Tonight we watched "Unlisted: A Story of Schizophrenia", a documentary by Delaney Ruston, MD.  This was my second viewing of the film. (My first was the NAMI National Conference in D.C. earlier this year.)  I will admit that I was hesitant to watch the film again tonight because when I watched it in D.C. I felt deep sadness.

Yet, in my second viewing I was able to see new layers of what Delaney has brought to this film.  It is an important film that I have added to my personal library.  Along with "Out of the Shadow", "Tarnation", and "Canvas", "Unlisted" brings a new perspective on the experience of daughters and sons who have a parent with a mental illness AND also new perspective on the experience of parents with mental illness.


Watching Delaney's film again tonight I could not help but ask myself the following questions:


How was Delaney's role as a parent overlooked in his history of mental health care?   How was his parenting role overlooked as a motivation toward his wellness?  


Keep in mind:  68% of women and 57% of men accessing services for mental illness are parents.  (Nicholson, Biebel, Katz-Leavy, & Williams, 2004).  This means that most people accessing mental health services are parents.  Yet mental health systems are largely missing the untapped potential that providing supported parenting would bring for people who are accessing services for mental health.  Parenting should be supported, just as employment is now supported.  Not only should it be supported, parents with mental illness should be recognized for the love they have for their children and the esteem they find in being parents. 


Watch the film and you will likely also leave with "what could have been?" questions.  I feel for Delaney. Personally, in my own, life I have asked: "What could have been?" "What could I (or someone else) have done differently?"  "Would things have been different?" - related to my own parents who experienced mental illnesses.  A great film/documentary leaves questions unanswered and opens room for discussion.  That is part of the success and craftsmanship of "Unlisted".


The experiences of Daughters and Sons are as diverse as the experiences of people with mental health diagnoses.  By that I mean, two people can have the same diagnosis, but have entirely different symptoms and/or mixture of personality and symptoms.  


Similarly, in organizing with other Daughters and Sons it has become clear that two people may have a parent with the same mental health diagnosis, but may have entirely different experiences with their parent.  The more people come forward with nuanced, thoughtful, honest sharing of their stories as daughters and sons the more complex understanding we will build of people's experiences when their parent struggles with mental illness.


Delaney:  Thank you for your courage to share this deeply personal and honest experience as a daughter of a father with schizophrenia.  Your film is a great contribution to larger mental health advocacy movements.  It is also a contribution to a growing library of films, documentaries, books and literature that makes visible the experience of daughters and sons who have a parent with mental illness.